Friday, March 19, 2010

A Story ..... (just ignore this... u will be sick of me)

Hullo guys…


It’s been a long time since my last post on this blog…. Fyuhhh…. I was too busy with unimportant things… and as usual… too lazy to write and thinking……. Well anyway…….. Many things happened… but most of them are not good news…. I have a target that every year I should be able to achieve something. Achievement is really important for me as it will affected myself to be more anxious in life and give me a courage to keep on dreaming and moving forward. This psychological behavior has been resided in me since 2007. It was the first time that I succeeded to achieve something that based on my own will. It was the chess tournament “ITB-Galamedia National Chess Tournament.” At that time I was the initiator as well as the Chief Production Officer. And the event was the most successful event that my organization ever held. From that moment of life…. I have courage to dream more things. And I can feel that I can achieve it. Then…. The next achievement comes from my academic. I successfully making my dreams come true, to have a straight A for all study program that I take. Even it was only for a semester. I am so proud of it. And finally still in the same year, I was able to graduated from my bachelor degree. I was graduated in the time that I have predicted. That was another achievement that encourages me to move on. And then …. In 2008…. Another big dream has been coming true. It was the realization of my very own internet café, which has been planned since 2007 with several friends of mine. Although in the end, I was the only one left in owning the internet café. Building this empire has been giving me a lot of experience and priceless moment of life. Started from how it feels becoming a boss, and then having a business partner, and then having an employee, and then interacting with priceless customer.. I luv all of them although some are the bad guys that never paid the rent…. And of course having fun together with my employee and some stakeholders of my internet café…….It was one moment in life that I will cherish…

After 2008.. it comes 2009… I was having a big hope for 2009… it was a new year and a new hope. I was hoping that my biggest dream can be realize on that year. My biggest dream is able to study abroad and continuing my study to master degree. I work so hard and spend so much money to be able to get the scholarship to study abroad. But then.. I failed…. I have applied for monbukagakusho, ADS, Erasmus mundus, Depkominfo, DAAD and Fulbright but none of them gave me a statement that I got their scholarship. It was frustrating… really frustrating… while at the same time, my cousin is able to achieve it. I wasn’t jealous on him.. I just got angry with myself….. “hey Ilman.. what’s wrong with you?” I keep on thinking why did I fail?... and what I found is random answer…… soo…. 2009 is passed with nothing….. I achieved nothing…. Maybe the things that cheer me on that year is only a trip to Singapore and successfully manage my internet café to be a profit one. Well… still it was frustrating and making me down…. I was mentally broken when I see some of my friends has married and step into their next life, while me… still fighting with my endless hope. Some of my friends has been becoming very successful…. And I was down because of it. But once again.. it’s not because I’m jealous with them…… I was once a person who sit on top ranks among my friends…. And in the end, ideally still I am on the top.. I was mentally down if I sit behind them…… It was like.. Oh GOD.. why did I lose to them? Why did I left behind? I do what I want to do and I work for it… but why???

Without achieving anything.. then it comes 2010…. Even tough I was mentally down, but still I have a hope to achieve something. Today’s… after long time of thinking……. It was maybe because I haven’t ready enough to be place out of my country. And the most important thing is maybe myself has not had a clear vision about my own future. What kind of path that I would living in, is it being an employee, a businessman or an educator. Still I can’t decide which path of life that I would take. But one thing for sure… my passion to study abroad hasn’t disappears. I hope I can achieve it this year 2010………. And if then I fail….. maybe I’m gonna work as an employee and started my boring life… or struggle to be a businessman… or both…….. ahhhhh… I still can’t see how my future will go…. No girlfriend and not working or having training……. Ahhhhh… I’m doom…………..’please somebody help me and brighten my life!’……….. I wanna say that.. but it looks really pathetic………… ahh.. c’mon Ilman.. you are not that weak….. You are strong and will lead the world!